Archive | May 2016

It has been awhile~

Wow, it has been almost three years since I last penned words on this forum. Graduation was awesome! I was lucky enough to have my Mom attend. She passed shortly after, complications from MD. That year was filled with so much. I look back now and wonder how I did it! School, a new full time job, my Mom and her illness forever moving downward.At the time I wanted to chronicle the journey I was having with her and my family but they felt it was intrusive. A bit old fashioned they are not fans of social media. Me, I felt it would be cathartic. Out of respect I refrained. I guess I am glad I did. I think now about how painful the journey was. For me , the last year of Moms life was difficult. She always said, “you are always worse with the one you love, they won’t ever leave you.” I was the one she chose to be the worse with. She trusted me not to leave but it tore me up! She was a wonderful woman and people loved her, as did I. The tough part was not the stinging barbs I faced , it was that no one believed me when I needed them to. I needed them to know how I was being treated, (she never did it in front of anyone). I didn’t need sympathy I needed someone to just be there and to acknowledge what was happening.I remember one day I had taken her for a nice ride, away from people she knew. Apparently she didn’t want people she knew to see her in a wheelchair. We got to our destination and she refused to get out of the car. I became so upset I yelled at her, “Why can’t you just enjoy one day with me? Why do you need to make it so difficult?” I immediately felt awful and backed off. Imagine my dismay when not one week later she ventured downtown with my brother and girlfriend, in her wheelchair, for an ice cream. It is hard to be the bad guy and watch your sibling garner all the love. Mom and I had been so close our whole lives and this experience all but shattered that. I can look back now knowing she could not help her behavior. I have learned how her disease and stroke changed her. There are explanations for it all but it doesn’t change things. The last year of her life when I wanted to enjoy her and soak up every last moment, I ended up just trying to justify our relationship. She passed with me by her side, telling her it was going to be ok. I hope she remembers that.