I am really going to try and post more often. I think maybe this will be my space for sharing and learning. For me! Since my last writing I have ventured into purchasing a home. Such a scary proposition, but I did it! I have also met with a mentor and am seriously contemplating making the dive into business ownership. When I mentioned it to my daughter she said “so which one” , I guess I have been vacillating for awhile! This mentor will take my 1000 ideas and help me create one viable one. I hope. I was also contacted by a friend to film a scene from a movie for a creative project. I have wanted to act all my life, I am so psyched. So as long as I stay healthy and upright, the next few months are going to be an epic ride! Why the hell did I wait 57 yrs. to start to live!
Wow, it has been almost three years since I last penned words on this forum. Graduation was awesome! I was lucky enough to have my Mom attend. She passed shortly after, complications from MD. That year was filled with so much. I look back now and wonder how I did it! School, a new full time job, my Mom and her illness forever moving downward.At the time I wanted to chronicle the journey I was having with her and my family but they felt it was intrusive. A bit old fashioned they are not fans of social media. Me, I felt it would be cathartic. Out of respect I refrained. I guess I am glad I did. I think now about how painful the journey was. For me , the last year of Moms life was difficult. She always said, “you are always worse with the one you love, they won’t ever leave you.” I was the one she chose to be the worse with. She trusted me not to leave but it tore me up! She was a wonderful woman and people loved her, as did I. The tough part was not the stinging barbs I faced , it was that no one believed me when I needed them to. I needed them to know how I was being treated, (she never did it in front of anyone). I didn’t need sympathy I needed someone to just be there and to acknowledge what was happening.I remember one day I had taken her for a nice ride, away from people she knew. Apparently she didn’t want people she knew to see her in a wheelchair. We got to our destination and she refused to get out of the car. I became so upset I yelled at her, “Why can’t you just enjoy one day with me? Why do you need to make it so difficult?” I immediately felt awful and backed off. Imagine my dismay when not one week later she ventured downtown with my brother and girlfriend, in her wheelchair, for an ice cream. It is hard to be the bad guy and watch your sibling garner all the love. Mom and I had been so close our whole lives and this experience all but shattered that. I can look back now knowing she could not help her behavior. I have learned how her disease and stroke changed her. There are explanations for it all but it doesn’t change things. The last year of her life when I wanted to enjoy her and soak up every last moment, I ended up just trying to justify our relationship. She passed with me by her side, telling her it was going to be ok. I hope she remembers that.
So I am not normally one to watch chick flicks but today watched Sleepless in Seattle. This is such a good movie for reflection. What is it like to have real love? No, this is not a poor me I haven’t found love yet, just an observation on what I have come to know is real love for me. I use to think that real love was what fairy tales were made of. Like most girls of my era we dreamed of the knight in shining armor. We dreamed of everlasting love with bells and whistles. As I have grown up this dream has changed. I learned that the love I thought I had for my ex husband was not real. My love for him was mostly desperation and infatuation. It was not the grow old together kind of love. He was what I thought I wanted and since I was getting close to my thirties he was what I thought was my only option.
I don’t think I have ever been in real love. I had never dated the hold the door open for you guy or the one that would hold you till morning kind of man or the take you on a dinner date dude. My marriage happened because he asked on a whim, I said yes and he was stuck! I loved him enough he just never really did love me, but he taught me so much about what not to look for and gave me the best children anyone could have been blessed with.
I went through my thirties and forties raising my children always hoping that someone would take the time to get to know me but not really having the time to devote to someone. No one ever came along and that was ok.
Now I am in my fifties and looking at three beautifully grown children moving in their own directions. I think about someone in my life from time to time. I have attempted dating sites but have found that dating is essentially the same as it was when I was in my twenties. Men still essentially want the girl that looks awesome, and will take care of them and I have many pot holes and speed bumps. I recently had a thirty something friend admit that while he wanted an intelligent woman he secretly wanted the one that treated him like a king, barefoot and pregnant.
My ideas about what I want have significantly changed over the years. Today a hand to hold, a warm hug and companionship define love for me. I know what real love should be. I watched it in my parents and watch it in the faces of many friends. They had/have that comfort that comes from really knowing someone. My brother has recently found it after two attempts. My daughter is getting married next week and I believe she has found it. They say you know it when you see it. I hope to someday see it sitting across from me but until then I will remain satisfied to watch it in those I love around me. Love? Maybe…
It has not really hit me yet…I am now Linda Capen BA. It has already been two weeks since the graduation and life goes on. Work has not changed. Summer will come and go and then the fall….and no school to get ready for. I am going to miss it. This has been a huge part of my life for so many years and it is now over. The next chapter? Where to begin? Overwhelmed! I will be 55yrs. old in a few weeks with a BA. I am just beginning. I should be ending but I am just beginning…how exciting! Where my friends are planning their retirement years …I am just beginning! I will continue to age but…I am just beginning….WOW….I am just beginning!
What an eventful week. First, I finally bought a vehicle…2005 Dodge Durango. The dealership was the first to listen to what I wanted and were able to mostly meet my price. Secondly and most importantly I graduated today from UWW at UMASS. I now have a BA. This is good because I will need a better job to pay my car loan, and my school loans! lolz While young students have a lifetime to pay these loans off I will probably go to my grave with this school debt. FYI…it is so worth it. For anyone contemplating education in your later years …DO IT! I have found this experience so gratifying. School for an older learner is so different from that high school angst that caused you to either leave college or not go at all. You can still learn and believe it or not it seems so much easier. By no means is it a breeze but the demands you place upon yourself and your learning curve is different. There are no girl/boy relationship conflicts, no learning a new job while trying to go to school… your already working and you will have more inspiration and help from those in your life than you will ever imagine. Success is yours, you will see to it, your teachers will see to it and your family and friends will see to it. Thank you to all my mentors at UMASS for being there for me and for my family and friends for putting up with me. A special thank you to my personal inspirations, Mary! I wish you could have been here…and my Mom..you inspire me each and every day with your strength and character…so glad you were here to share this with me! ❤
So the past few weeks I have been looking at purchasing a car. I don’t know if I am the only one but doesn’t the process really irritate? I have contacted dealers via online and not one of them has respected the parameters I have specified. I am sent all sorts of “We have found the car for you” when it is not the car I requested…At all!!!! I even received a message berating me for not responding to them in a timely fashion.My response was to shoot back a message telling them that I was truly offended by this tactic and therefore would never shop with them again. The person who’s name it was sent in responded with a profuse apology stating it was a robo message. My thought is…don’t you know what PR you are sending? and if it is not done with your knowledge you might want to be on that particular need to know list!!! So this is my little car shopping rant. Dealers if you are reading this, please listen because I am still shopping and I will buy a car from someone!!! Will it be you?
What a week this has been. A bombing not 2hrs. away from where I live and then the race to capture the men that did it. I came home Monday to the news of the marathon and to my daughter who as a child lived through 9/11 seemingly unscathed, just sobbing. She is not a huggy, feely kid so this reaction was heart wrenching to me. Then the week progressed. Who did this and why. We now know the who but we must find out the why. Why do seemingly good men do things like this. One with a small child, a family of his own and the other a young man just starting out. What creates the minds that are moved to do these awful things. I am dumbfounded. They could be anyone’s neighbor.
Or they could be this neighbor, Dave Hannaberry. The luck of a man stepping out his back door and noticing something wrong now brings back safety and peace.
The families of law enforcement can sleep soundly tonight only to run back into trouble tomorrow. Blessings to everyone that has had to endure this tragedy.